Dissatisfaction

Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed by dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction, to me, is not quite the same as depression or frustration or anger. It's probably not as a much of a concern for people who have truly pressing problems, but that is why it's carries the mildness of still seeming like a shade of satisfaction. On the spectrum of real world concerns, it occupies a tiny band towards the end before you hit the truly trivial. When I feel frustrated, it's like there's an elemental being trapped inside of me trying to claw it's way out. My chest doesn't seem to want to expand enough to let in enough air and I feel like I'm always stuck halfway through a breath and longing to scream. That is not dissatisfaction. Depression (not the medical definition) is like a heavy oppressive cloud of emotion that keeps me floating listlessly through the day and actively weighs me down and clouds my mind with negativity. Dissatisfaction is different.

Feeling dissatisfied with life is a bit like feeling apathetic. Instead of the heavy cloud of depression, it's more like light mist. It seeps into your eyes and mind and alters your perception of the world. I don't feel like I'm being frustrated in my attempts to get things done and I don't feel the lack of motivation that comes with overwhelming emotions of depression and anger that cloud your reason. Instead it feels like nothing is going quite right. There is no guide. There is no path. There is just floating along and letting yourself dissolve into the mist. There is getting things done without really be invested in them. There is wanting something to finally tip the scales but being neither angered or upset when nothing does. Dissatisfication holds you back from getting a huge list of tasks completed but it is not paralysis. Paralysis involves something actively holding you back, even if it is the physical insubstantiality of fear. Dissatisfaction is seeing no obstacles, awareness that none are there, and being unable to will yourself toward your goal any faster.

I have to wonder if dissatisfaction ever becomes cured or if it simply evolves into another emotion. In most cases, I suspect frustration/anger or desire take over and become motivating factors. Unfortunately nothing of the sort is taking hold at the moment...

Anger... Thoughts on Writing

I don't like to give in to negative feelings when I can help it. Anger, sadness, frustration... These are things that we're told aren't productive. But what about when they are? I'm not saying I need to be ready to break all my china in order to write a brilliant essay but sometimes the bad, unhealthy feelings are the ones that inspire my best work. The isolation and frustration of my current boredom lets me delve into the depth of what a character might be feeling instead of chugging along with a tedious surface-skimming plot. Some of that leftover tension lets me bang out the review I've been putting off for the past few days despite already finishing the book. Our base feelings are sometimes what we need to tap into to say what we're really feeling, unhindered by the layers of politeness, protocol, familiar tropes, and easy rhythms that guide us through life.

But when I finished all this, I went to check my grades once again (I've been checking for most of the second half of the month) and finally the last one (the one I've been waiting on) was posted. Needless to say I was disappointed or I wouldn't be mentioning it. The anger didn't really come. I'd expelled it already in my writing. But there was still something thrumming beneath the surface. I suppose I'm writing them away now in this blog post.

I'm suppose I'm suggesting that's what writing is for in part. Writing away the negativity. Sure indulging it is probably not healthy but at least in my case, writing builds up the tension until it simply fades away. Am I still upset at my grade? Yes. Do I feel upset? No.

I realize this isn't terribly insightful but as I've mentioned, I've been doing a lot of writing in the last few hours so please forgive this less than brilliant post.